Oink Oink

Do you ever wake up in the morning and think, "Gee, I wish I could have some crispy PIG FAT for breakfast!"

If so, you are in good company. Bacon is an American staple. Eat it plain, eat it with eggs, put it on a sandwich, sprinkle it on a salad...everyone loves bacon!



Except me. I have a very strong disdain for all things bacon.

It's just so...greasy. And nasty. And it smells very powerfully. I can't stand how you can smell bacon on people's clothing. It's just disgusting!

But you know, who cares about cholesterol? Sodium? Cruelty to pigs? I'm just kidding, I do eat meat. But why worry about these things when you can pile more bacon onto your food?

And just when I thought it couldn't get any worse, I found a BLT cocktail recipe at Bacon Unwrapped.

Is there nothing sacred in this world? I mean, really. Blech.

No avoiding smellin' that melon!

I'm about to break hearts all over the place. I don't like melons. Honestly, I can't even say that I don't like the taste, because I don't even remember the last time I ate any type of melon. My problem with melons is that they smell so vile that I can't be near them. Ask my mom. I'll say "Keep that plate on the other side of the table." They are so fragrant it almost kills me.

The worst part is, apparently melon is a pleasurable smell to the rest of the world. How many cucumber melon candles and body sprays can exist on one planet? A LOT, I am here to tell you. So everywhere I go, I have to talk myself out of spewing on the spot. The smell...oh the smell.

Barf.

Doing research about melons, I found out that they all fall under the "muskmelon" category. My grandma calls them muskmelons. I thought she was crazy. Apparently, she is not. But throwing the word "musk" in front of "melon" for a person who already finds the melon smell positively horrific does not help me. At all!

So please. Keep that plate away from me.

Troubled Eater Gets Adventurous

I recently was given a container of dark chocolate covered Edamame from Trader Joe's. I was skeptical. I love Edamame, and I love dark chocolate, but chocolate covered vegetables?! I don't think so!



For those who haven't tried it, Edamame is simply baby soybeans. You can buy them in the pod, and pop them in your mouth, or you can buy them already shelled. You eat them with a little bit of salt, and they are delicious! Edamame is a very healthy snack. The protein in Edamame is high in omega-3 fatty acids, which can help with depression. This tiny bean also has been shown to help regulate insulin levels in diabetics, and is good for women going through menopause.

But chocolate covered? Um...

I do love dark chocolate. I'm all about reminding myself of the health benefits of dark chocolate, but dipping vegetables in them? I recently saw chocolate covered bacon, and a zucchini weenie at a fair. What is the obsession with gross food combinations?



And then...I tried them. The skies parted, golden light poured down on me, and angels sang. They were actually good! Very, very good! They are salty, sweet, crunchy, and addicting. Protein and anti-oxidants? The killer combo! Well, killer might not be a good adjective. The winning combo.

Now, if only I could convince Trader Joe's to open a store closer to my home. Shouldn't there be one in every town in America? Come on, Trader Joe's!

So, what's the weirdest or grossest thing you've ever tried?

You Thought I was Too Sweet to Complain!

Too much candy from Capucha on Vimeo.

I am a candy lover, but even I, the Troubled Eater, can find some candies that I dislike. I am a huge lime lover, and love anything lime flavored. One of the worst years of my life was when they changed the SweeTarts Chicks, Ducks and Bunnies (the best candy in the world) and made the green colored candies Green Apple flavored instead of Lime. Now, they don't even include greens and I basically only eat the purples. But I still buy them, hopefully, every Easter. In fact, I'm noticing that most, if not all green colored candy (except Skittles) is green apple flavored. I just don't get it.

Here are a few of the candies I just don't understand. Perhaps you can enlighten me as to why people buy these candies:

1) Those generic candies wrapped in a wrapper that looks like a strawberry. These are frequently with those horrible generic butterscotch candies, too. These remind me of old people, because only old people with dying tastebuds can like these. These also remind me of growing up in church, because there is nothing that old people like more than to dig around in their purse for these babies, and then make a TON of noise with the wrapper.

2) Laffy Taffy. Also known as "fruit flavored sticky tac." Are you kidding me? Even more obnoxious, the BANANA flavored Laffy Taffy. I think I just threw up in my mouth a little bit.

3) Wax candy. You know the ones I mean. The ones in the shape of a soda bottle with sugary syrup inside. Raise your hand if you ever want to gnaw on some wax. I didn't think so.

4) Candy Corn. Speaking of wax, you might as well just eat your ear wax on these. I try them, every year, thinking I'm missing out on something really big. I'm not. Seems I'm not alone. Check this out.

5) Smarties. I used to like these as a kid. I'm not really sure why. They aren't good! I used to pretend they were aspirin when I was a tyke.

6) Candy hearts. Just typing that makes me want to spew. I can't even stand the smell of these. Just go eat some chalk dust, why don't you! Now, I will say that I love the SweeTarts hearts! Mmm!

7) That weird spicy/limey/salty candy they eat in Mexico and Central America. I still eat it because it's intriguing, but it's weird and it kind of makes you want to vomit.

8) Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Beans. These are cute. They are creative. And not all of them are horrible. But I want to know who had to do the taste testing for the "vomit" flavored bean. Or "ear wax." Or "booger." Shudder.

9) Gummi bears. Cute idea, not tasty. Well, maybe if they wouldn't taint the entire package by throwing in red gummi bears, things would be better. I really think those reds permeate the entire package, ruining them.

10) The cheap chocolate "gold" coins. The candy tastes cheap, and they always are dried out and old. Yuck. If you're going to eat chocolate, go all the way. Don't eat cheap chocolate!

I do want to give a shout out to Lindt for the Cherry and Chili Dark Chocolate bar I ate recently. Sounds gross, but it was actually very good!

Just Try Buttering Me Up

I'm realizing that this blog is really capturing my "inner crank" and makes me sound really whiney! Just know, I blog in jest (even though I really am a pretty picky eater). Feel free to leave any comments in favor or against foods. Tell me your stories! All foodies are welcome here!

My next food, well, don't throw things at me when I say it. I hate butter. I do. I really, really don't like it. The funny part about it is, peanut butter is one of my all-time favorite foods. Go figure! I never spread butter on my food. I don't like to cook with it, and can taste butter in foods when I'm eating them. It's not that it just tastes bad to me, it makes me feel a little sick. And really, it's a good thing that I don't like it! Foods such as almond butter and apple butter are a gray area for me.

I've made butter the old fashioned way before. Have YOU? If you haven't, you might not eat it, either, if you knew about it! Here are some directions on making butter. The highlights of this process include, for me:

Letting the raw cream sit for several hours!
Cream being sour from sitting in a cellar for a week in temps 60 degrees or higher!
How it gets all lumpy and weird as you churn it!
Rancid buttermilk running out of butter if you don't rinse it properly!

Mmmmmm! Don't you want some butter now? I'm sorry. I have seen it made, I have made it, and it really grosses me out. And I have issues with warm dairy products. Butter in the fridge is hard to spread, and butter on the counter top makes me want to vomit! Why do you want to eat something that isn't spreadable, tastes weird, is the result of souring, requires the use of a weird little knife, and will give you a heart attack? Oh, but I forgot how versatile it is! You can use it to create works of art, such as this sculpture of John McCain and Barack Obama.



Somehow, I get the feeling that neither of these men can stand the heat. They better get out of the kitchen.

I'm in a Real Pickle

You know how those darn tomatoes are always sneaking into sandwiches? There's another food that is excellent at hiding and can ruin an entire meal. THE PICKLE. Small, cute, totally not suspicious looking. And yet, a stowaway. So easily hidden under some lettuce or a burger patty.

Pickles. BLECH. How can anyone stand them? My guess is that I don't like them because they are cucumbers soaked in vinegar, but I also love to eat salt and vinegar chips, or vinegar with my fish. The sooner you figure out that I'm a food hypocrite, the better. And I'm not a baby, so get that idea out of your head.

A few years ago, I was invited to eat dinner with a family. One of the children had told her mother over and over how much I love tomatoes, and that we must have tomatoes at the dinner. She said that knowing that I have a TRUE HATE for tomatoes. So her mother was like "I made sure and put in the freshest tomatoes I could find." The kid of course started cracking up and says "HA HA, Troubled Eater! I tricked you! Ha ha Mom, Troubled Eater hates tomatoes." I thought about eating one anyway to be polite, but I just couldn't do it. It just wasn't going to happen. They also had potato salad, which makes me gag. It was full of eggs, which makes it worse. I managed to keep it down.

Then, during the dinner, the mother asks me "Why don't you want any pickles?" They were canned pickles that she did at home. I hate pickles almost as much as I hate tomatoes. Seriously. I am completely repulsed by them. I smiled sweetly and said that I just didn't feel like any at the time, so that was why I hadn't taken any. She then proceeded to tell me her recipe. I knew at that point that I would have to eat one. I began fervently praying, "God, you are going to have to get me through this. I can't do this. Help me not to gag."

I cut up one into pieces, popped a small piece in my mouth, and at that moment, one of the siblings yelled and distracted everyone. That gave me time to gag, choke down some water, and then attempt a smile. The mom never suspected a thing. Dear readers, they were the nastiest things I've ever eaten. I hate pickles! I managed to eat one slice, but it swam around in my stomach for the rest of the night.

The Number One Offender

Let's just jump into the deep end of Troubled Eater's pool of neuroses.

Ah, the tomato. One of the most popular fruits/vegetables in the world. A popular garden choice for people growing their own produce. The fruit/vegetable of choice for sandwiches. One of the main characters in the "Fruit of the Loom" underwear commercials. Even the subject of wild fruit/vegetable throwing festivals such as La Tomatina in Spain. It comes in all shapes, sizes, and colors. You can find it in ketchup and salsa. It's a beloved fruit/vegetable.



And yet. It's the bane of my existence.

The tomato makes me want to hurl on the spot. There isn't one thing I don't find offensive about the tomato. The smell is noxious. I can't stand the feel of it. It's squishy, slimy, and juicy. It's just wrong on all levels. I try to remember to order sandwiches without it, but since I'm the Tomato Freak, people always forget to leave off the tomato. This means I have to carefully inspect the bun to find any rogue juices that may have absorbed into the bun. And a salad? It takes me ten years to eat one, because I have to carefully pick through each piece of the salad to find all the tomatoes. I wish I was allergic to them so people would take me more seriously about tomatoes!

Thankfully, I have found that I am not alone in my tomato discrimination. Check out Tomatoes are Evil. I'm so happy to know I'm not alone.

I'll leave you with a taste of La Tomatina. Does this look fun to you?



This is my own private hell.

Don't Judge, Have Pity

It's not my mother's fault that I'm such a picky eater. My mother provided me with an abundance of food choices. She cooked delicious, healthy meals. I was surrounded by fresh fruits and vegetables. Despite her best efforts, I still somehow survived basically on peanut butter. A close relative thinks I might have some sort of sensory processing disorder. Maybe some sort of olfactory dysfunction that makes many foods unappealing to me. Whatever it is, it sucks! "Psychology Today" has an interesting article about adult picky eaters.

You know, I hear people complain about picky eaters. They claim that picky eaters are being rude. They argue that picky eaters make social events difficult. Well, what about considering what life is like for a picky eater? I want to be a better eater. I really do! I get bored eating the same things over and over. I wander around the grocery store looking for inspiration. I buy foods to try, and waste my money on them when I don't like them! Do you think I like going to dinners at other people's houses, or to parties, when they are going to serve food that I just can't choke down?

I guess until my insurance will cover some sort of food therapy, this is just my burden to bear. I don't know how food therapy would work, anyway. I can just picture it now. Me, laying on a couch with my hand on my forehead. "Doctor, the smell...so nauseating. In my dreams I can feel that hairy peel crawling up my fingers!"

So, please. Have pity on your fellow picky eaters. It's not easy being in this smelly food loving world for us, either!

The Beginning

I love to eat. It's unfortunate that I happen to be one of the pickiest eaters in the world. There are many foods that I just cannot bear. It's hard living in a world surrounded by foods you just can't stand! This blog is going to be about the foods I don't like, and how I get around eating them. I'm here to prove that woman can live by bread alone.