Wednesday, November 25, 2009

The Inherent Evil of Berries

Berries. They seem like such a cute, innocent food item that people love. But when you more closely examine these sweet little fruits, you'll find that berries are, in fact, nothing but trouble! Each sweet, juicy bite of these little fruits comes with the risk of ruination of perfectly delicious foods, injury, even death! If you're interested more in what berries are, or the different types of berries, you might want to visit this "berry helpful" website. Did you know that grapes and tomatoes are considered berries? They are!

It's time to get down to the real issues with berries and how they are to be avoided at all costs!


Troubled Eater thinks this bumpy little berry looks cute, but the bumps make it most unappetizing. Worse, Troubled Eater has eaten at restaurants many times only to order dessert, and then find the evil RASPBERRY SAUCE drizzled all over the dessert or plate! This is a travesty of the most severest degree. Tainting food flavor is most unacceptable. Please. Leave cheesecake/cake/ice cream/whatever other dessert you might be tempted to drizzle this toxic sauce on alone!


Again, what is with the popularity of these bumpy berries? Troubled Eater's aunt may be really onto something when she wonders if Troubled Eater has sensory issues. The texture of these berries is very upsetting to Troubled Eater. More troubling, however, is the danger of these little death berries. The next time you think about going to pick these darling little berries, think about Laura Ingalls Wilder, author of the popular "Little House on the Prairie" book series. In the book Little House on the Prairie, Laura, Mary and Ma went blackberry picking near a river. Pretty soon, the entire family contracted "fever n' ague," or malaria - all because they wanted to eat these berries!

Now, you might be thinking "Troubled Eater, the blackberries didn't give the Ingalls family malaria, the mosquitoes did!" You would have a valid point. However, if you want to hallucinate, be so weak you can't get up, and have your mother make you crawl across the floor of your log cabin to get your crying sister a dipper full of water because both of your parents are too ill to get out of bed, all because you want to pick a few berries - more power to you! Don't say that Troubled Eater didn't warn you!


Ah, the strawberry. Possibly the worst berry offender in Troubled Eater's book. While it may appeal to the rest of you, Troubled Eater is extremely bothered by the smell and feel of this berry, as well as the seeds coating the outside of the berry. According to the Environmental Working Guide's Shopping Guide for Pesticides, the strawberry is one of the most dangerous fruits because of its high pesticide level. It may be the most pesticide coated berry on the market, but that is not what causes this berry to be a serious risk. The real risk to our society is that the strawberry is taking over! Everything is strawberry flavored! It's hard to find candy, lip gloss, or beauty products that are not strawberry scented. It's polluted perfectly good foods such as cheesecake and shortcake. But the worst is that we even have cartoon characters devoted to this deadly berry!

And then, of course, we have the issue of strawberries encouraging lying. Have you ever heard of a small musical called "The Sound of Music?" In this cinematic classic, the Von Trapp children try to bring their beloved nanny, Fraulein Maria, back to their home. They sneak out of the house to visit Maria. When their father questions the children about their whereabouts, the children tell him they have been berry picking.

When he asks them what kind of berries they were picking, they tell him they were picking blueberries. LIES! Captain von Trapp tells them that it's too cold for blueberries, so another von Trapp liar, sucked in by the evil influence of the strawberry, claims that they were picking strawberries. The children tell their father that the weather has been so cold that the strawberries were actually blue. Captain von Trapp tells the children they must not need dinner since they were so full. He later relents and lets them eat, but for a few sad moments, the seven von Trapp children were imagining an evening with no dinner, thanks to the evil strawberry.

Any berry that encourages dishonesty is not a berry that Troubled Eater will endorse!


Blueberries are an American favorite. They are cute, small, and easy to pick. They can be used to create cakes, pies, muffins, sauces, and can even be eaten in salads. Troubled Eater finds that blueberries are tolerable in muffins, but not much else. However versatile these berries may be, they have one gigantic risk. People who enjoy blueberries run the risk of permanent disfigurement. Case in point: Violet Beauregarde. Violet was an inquisitive and demanding young lady who found a golden ticket allowing her to tour Willy Wonka's candy factory. When Violet, an avid gum chewer, insists on trying a piece of Three Course Dinner gum, she suddenly finds her body transforming. Violet turns into a giant blueberry.

Violet is taken away to the juicer by those creepy Oompa Loompas. She is never seen again. Let that be a lesson to you.


Cranberries are a tart berry that can be good in desserts, a juice form, or just as a sauce. They are an American requirement on the family Thanksgiving table. Troubled Eater finds these berries tolerable in muffin form, juice form, and spread thinly on a turkey sandwich. Cranberries are also medicinal and can help treat bladder infections.

Wait! Don't be tricked by these seemingly acceptable berries! These berries represent DEATH!

That's right, cranberry sauce can be used as a code for death - well, if you are John Lennon or Paul McCartney, anyway. If you are unfamiliar with the Paul McCartney death hoax, a rumor went around that Paul McCartney was dead. The Beatles placed clues in their songs to try and encourage this mass hysteria for the teen heart throb's alleged death. One such example is located at the end of the song "Strawberry Fields." Are they saying "cranberry sauce" or "I buried Paul?"

You be the judge! Turn up the speakers and listen to the end of the song.

The cranberry. Secretly used as a trick to confuse people into thinking British stars are dead. And therefore, inherently evil.

Saturday, November 14, 2009

Troubled Eater: Thanksgiving Edition

Welcome to the blog that appeared to be abandoned! Due to a recent bout with the dreaded H1N1 virus, Troubled Eater was lacking the energy or desire to write. Or eat. Troubled Eater lost a LOT of weight thanks to the dreaded HAMTHRAX. However, she is back...just in time for two major food holidays!

There is a great deal to be loved about the food served at Thanksgiving. There are very few foods that Troubled Eater won't eat at Thanksgiving. Despite the bounty of delicious foods available at Thanksgiving time, Troubled Eater still can't handle the following foods:

Dark meat - Troubled Eater doesn't understand this, at all. Why does anyone want to eat a dark, fatty meat? Gross! There is not much more pleasing than a thick slice of steamy, white turkey meat. Why ruin the holiday by eating those dark bits? And don't GET her started on any giblets! GAGAGAGAGAGAGAG!

Candied yams with marshmallows - Troubled Eater cannot STAND, do you hear her, STAND sweet potatoes! They are vile. Unearthly. Blech. So the idea of a dish swimming in sweet potatoes, butter and marshmallows just about kills poor Trouble Eater.

Cranberries - It should be no shock that Troubled Eater struggles with most varieties of berries. In fact, she has a post idea dedicated to the berry family. The only thing worse than a bowl full of berries is a plate filled with slices of canned cranberry, complete with the can imprint still on the fruit product. The only satisfactory part of the canned cranberry portion of the meal is the "ssssssssssswack" noise it makes as it slides out of the can.

Gravy - Gravy simply pollutes perfectly good meat and/or potatoes. It smothers the good taste right out of food, and makes it all...squishy. Troubled Eater is a plain eater. She doesn't eat gravy, sauces, or even common condiments such as ketchup. Now, she WILL eat gravy with a good beef and yorkshire pudding, but that's about the only time she finds gravy acceptable.

For all these horrible foods, there are still plenty of GREAT foods to eat at the local Thanksgiving table. Troubled Eater's plate will still be filled with delicious treats such as turkey, mashed potatoes, stuffing, rolls, and a Thanksgiving classic...pumpkin pie. Yum.

Coming up at our next food bean casserole, pecan pie, and egg nog!

Saturday, October 3, 2009

It Makes My Insides Jiggle

Please welcome a guest sister!

Hello. I am Troubled Eater's sister and because I have pull with her,
I want to share with the world my distaste for Jello. I understand
that at this point some of you are thinking "Jello? Who hates Jello?"
but I ask you, what is there to really like about Jello? Are you sure
you like Jello?

First of all, the obvious, is Jello jiggles. The Jello company tries
to capitalize on this fact and has a money making campaign for Jello
jigglers. Why do you want to eat something that jiggles? Do you know
what else jiggles? Things that are alive. Like insects. Insects
jiggle, but nobody wants to eat them. I want my food solid.
Unmoving. Constant.

Secondly, the flavor is not appetizing. It doesn't taste like any cherry,
lime or lemon I have ever eaten. I'm sure you have seen them, those
cakes where people drill holes into a perfectly beautiful dessert and
ruin it with puddles of artificial flavor.

Finally, the opportunity for integrating other foods into the jello
truly bothers me. My relationship with Jello ended when I ate green
jello with carrots in it. Later that night I became sick and vomited.
I didn't enjoy the green Jello with carrots the first or second time
in my mouth. Why carrots? Why bananas? Why take solid food and
suspend it in a murky semi-solid substance rumored to be made with cow

There is so much I don't understand about Jello and those who like it.
I may not be as picky of an eater as my sister, but Jello truly is
disturbing to me and I want to encourage you to reevaluate your
relationship with Jello. It is okay to not like this "food" and you
are not alone.

Thank you for letting me give a voice to those who of us out there who
feel queasy when within a short distance of this sad excuse for a side

Thursday, September 17, 2009

As if it Wasn't Bad Enough

I never understand the appeal of "fair food." How does a Snickers bar on a stick, fried, taste better? Why do you want to eat chocolate covered bacon? Why put any food on a stick, actually? And don't even get me started on deep frying everything.

So then, someone sends me an article that sent shivers down my spine. I could feel my arteries blocking just reading about it. Apparently, there's a new food sweeping the fair circuit in Texas.

Presenting...deep fried butter.

Why? Why, dear God, why? I don't even understand. I really don't.

Then again, I was in Texas in March at a grocery store, and I noticed that they have a "Breakfast Meats" section. I've never seen that in my life. Apparently, breakfast meats are popular! Don't mess with their fatty foods (no offense, Texans! I have fodder for all kinds of states, not just Texas).

Sounds like a good breakfast to me - breakfast meats with a side of fried butter.

(Warning: This video, while hilarious, contains some strong language. About sausage. Sigh.)

Saturday, September 5, 2009

From One Extreme to Another: Two Stories

Troubled Eater is kind of an anglophile. She loves anything having to do with England. OR SO SHE THOUGHT. She had read many times about a food British people eat called Marmite.

Now, Troubled Eater is infamous for being less than enthusiastic about trying new foods. But surely, her beloved England couldn't steer her wrong, could they? She opened the jar, and smelled inside. BLAH!!!!! But, surely the empire where the sun never set knew what they were talking about. So Troubled Eater took a teeny, tiny lick of it.

Instantly, her stomach turned, her insides twisted up, and she thought she was going to hurl. Do you see how it says "Yeast Extract" on the bottle? Or that it contains B vitamins? This is extremely accurate. As in, it tastes like a melted vitamin, stirred up with yeast. What, in the name of all things good and holy, do people taste in this stuff? Apparently those weird Brits eat it on toast, or sandwiches.

It was a fail of epic proportions. Troubled Eater later allowed a young child to eat a spoonful of it, because he was insistent that he could handle it. It made him vomit instantly. And he didn't even get any hair on his chest. So sad. But then, a much happier incident occurred:

Once upon a time, Troubled Eater was in a third world country with several friends. One of Troubled Eater's friends offered Troubled Eater a spoonful of this brown stuff in a green jar. This friend was from England, and disliked peanut butter (but liked Marmite!). She thought peanut butter was horrible. This scared Troubled Eater. Troubled Eater basically survives on peanut butter. Should she take the advice of someone who was obviously so wrong when it came to food?

Troubled Eater cautiously took the spoon of brown goo in her hand. The shakily held it up to her face. She sniffed it. She lightly placed it in her mouth.

Immediately, Troubled Eater knew she was in trouble. This was the greatest thing she had ever tasted. So creamy. So chocolatey. So magnificent.

Troubled Eater immediately went to the local Hiper Paiz and loaded up on these green jars from France. She began eating it spread on homemade tortillas. Or bread. Or by the spoonful. She hid a jar and a spoon in her bed so her roommates would not discover this joy in a jar, and want any.

She returned to the USA, determined to find this green jar, and could not find it. In fact, she can't remember today what it is called. However, have no fear - she found an equivalent.

May I introduce to you...NUTELLA HAZELNUT SPREAD! It's like a party in your mouth. It's smooth. It's filling. It is good on virtually anything. It can be located on your peanut butter aisle. Don't be fooled by the boring label on the outside. Inside, there's a dream waiting to be tasted. Your hips won't thank you, but your taste buds will. In fact, Nutella has a huge international following. Don't forget to celebrate World Nutella Day on February 5, 2010!

Long live Nutella!

Down with Marmite!

Wednesday, August 19, 2009


I keep trying new foods in the hope that I will like something else. This week, I bought one little grapefruit.

I haven't eaten much of it, but so far, so good.

Next thing you know, I'm going to go raw vegan.


Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Tales: Back to School Edition

Summer is almost over, and soon it will be time for children across the nation to be going back to school. Each school year is a time of new beginnings for a student. New supplies. But there is one thing that remains steady throughout the years.


Notorious for it's horrifying tastes and smells. It's carefully planned by dieticians and health experts from around the country. And still get meals like spaghetti with a side of mashed potatoes. Or nachos and "fish shapes." HUH? This is healthy? All health issues aside, let's walk down memory lane and remember tried and true cafeteria food.

Troubled Eater's Cafteria Picks
Apple or cherry crisps. Swimming in butter, and made with crappy ingredients, but still a Troubled Eater favorite.
Peanut butter. It may have been industrial grade, and really cheap and crappy, but I liked it regardless. If we ate all our food, we could have a slice of bread with some peanut butter.
Hot rolls. Not as good as homemade rolls, but still very good. And the smell. Heavenly!
Mashed potatoes. No doubt powdered, and so soft they were served with an ice cream scoop, but still, I liked it. Probably because it didn't have an odd color to it, or weird random noodles.
Cinnamon rolls. It's pretty hard to screw those up.

Troubled Eater's Pans (And not those industrial sized ones they cook with!)
Chicken patty. Doesn't look like chicken to me. Could be renamed "Pasty Patty" or "Floppy Patty."
Pork Fritter. Do I need to say anything more than PORK FRITTER?
Steamed spinach in a cup. Horribly, horribly over cooked. Full of water. Full of stink. Full of fear. Does ANYONE ever eat that?
Banana pudding. Mmmm. Shimmery. Slimy. Gross.
Warm milk. Is it impossible to keep it cold? And drinking it out of that little carton wasn't my favorite, either. The little spout was always kind of furry with torn paper.
Canned fruit cocktail. Still tastes like the can, suspiciously lacking many cherries, and the cherries are barely red.
Iridescent ham. Why, oh why, does it have a Mother of Pearl sheen? And on that same tangent, what was with the weird colors in any meat they served? Green spots? Colors? Blech.
Fish on Fridays. Friendly for the Catholic community. But I don't like the smell.
Pizza. Flat. Totally square. Could be used as a replacement for a hammer.
Turkey sandwich with gravy. Whaaaaa???
Any form of vegetable served. So steamed, all nutritional value had to be lost.
Fake BBQ Rib. With the fake rib shape in the mystery meat. Supposed to look like the real deal.
Any food involving cold macaroni noodles. Enough said.
Flat, tiny squares of cake. Made with a really sugary, weird frosting. The whole thing tasted like sawdust.

Welcome to a new school year, kids. Do yourself a favor. Bring your lunch.