It's time to get down to the real issues with berries and how they are to be avoided at all costs!
THE RASPBERRY
Troubled Eater thinks this bumpy little berry looks cute, but the bumps make it most unappetizing. Worse, Troubled Eater has eaten at restaurants many times only to order dessert, and then find the evil RASPBERRY SAUCE drizzled all over the dessert or plate! This is a travesty of the most severest degree. Tainting food flavor is most unacceptable. Please. Leave cheesecake/cake/ice cream/whatever other dessert you might be tempted to drizzle this toxic sauce on alone!
THE BLACKBERRY
Again, what is with the popularity of these bumpy berries? Troubled Eater's aunt may be really onto something when she wonders if Troubled Eater has sensory issues. The texture of these berries is very upsetting to Troubled Eater. More troubling, however, is the danger of these little death berries. The next time you think about going to pick these darling little berries, think about Laura Ingalls Wilder, author of the popular "Little House on the Prairie" book series. In the book Little House on the Prairie, Laura, Mary and Ma went blackberry picking near a river. Pretty soon, the entire family contracted "fever n' ague," or malaria - all because they wanted to eat these berries!
Now, you might be thinking "Troubled Eater, the blackberries didn't give the Ingalls family malaria, the mosquitoes did!" You would have a valid point. However, if you want to hallucinate, be so weak you can't get up, and have your mother make you crawl across the floor of your log cabin to get your crying sister a dipper full of water because both of your parents are too ill to get out of bed, all because you want to pick a few berries - more power to you! Don't say that Troubled Eater didn't warn you!
THE STRAWBERRY
Ah, the strawberry. Possibly the worst berry offender in Troubled Eater's book. While it may appeal to the rest of you, Troubled Eater is extremely bothered by the smell and feel of this berry, as well as the seeds coating the outside of the berry. According to the Environmental Working Guide's Shopping Guide for Pesticides, the strawberry is one of the most dangerous fruits because of its high pesticide level. It may be the most pesticide coated berry on the market, but that is not what causes this berry to be a serious risk. The real risk to our society is that the strawberry is taking over! Everything is strawberry flavored! It's hard to find candy, lip gloss, or beauty products that are not strawberry scented. It's polluted perfectly good foods such as cheesecake and shortcake. But the worst is that we even have cartoon characters devoted to this deadly berry!
And then, of course, we have the issue of strawberries encouraging lying. Have you ever heard of a small musical called "The Sound of Music?" In this cinematic classic, the Von Trapp children try to bring their beloved nanny, Fraulein Maria, back to their home. They sneak out of the house to visit Maria. When their father questions the children about their whereabouts, the children tell him they have been berry picking.
When he asks them what kind of berries they were picking, they tell him they were picking blueberries. LIES! Captain von Trapp tells them that it's too cold for blueberries, so another von Trapp liar, sucked in by the evil influence of the strawberry, claims that they were picking strawberries. The children tell their father that the weather has been so cold that the strawberries were actually blue. Captain von Trapp tells the children they must not need dinner since they were so full. He later relents and lets them eat, but for a few sad moments, the seven von Trapp children were imagining an evening with no dinner, thanks to the evil strawberry.
Any berry that encourages dishonesty is not a berry that Troubled Eater will endorse!
THE BLUEBERRY
Blueberries are an American favorite. They are cute, small, and easy to pick. They can be used to create cakes, pies, muffins, sauces, and can even be eaten in salads. Troubled Eater finds that blueberries are tolerable in muffins, but not much else. However versatile these berries may be, they have one gigantic risk. People who enjoy blueberries run the risk of permanent disfigurement. Case in point: Violet Beauregarde. Violet was an inquisitive and demanding young lady who found a golden ticket allowing her to tour Willy Wonka's candy factory. When Violet, an avid gum chewer, insists on trying a piece of Three Course Dinner gum, she suddenly finds her body transforming. Violet turns into a giant blueberry.
Violet is taken away to the juicer by those creepy Oompa Loompas. She is never seen again. Let that be a lesson to you.
THE CRANBERRY
Cranberries are a tart berry that can be good in desserts, a juice form, or just as a sauce. They are an American requirement on the family Thanksgiving table. Troubled Eater finds these berries tolerable in muffin form, juice form, and spread thinly on a turkey sandwich. Cranberries are also medicinal and can help treat bladder infections.
Wait! Don't be tricked by these seemingly acceptable berries! These berries represent DEATH!
That's right, cranberry sauce can be used as a code for death - well, if you are John Lennon or Paul McCartney, anyway. If you are unfamiliar with the Paul McCartney death hoax, a rumor went around that Paul McCartney was dead. The Beatles placed clues in their songs to try and encourage this mass hysteria for the teen heart throb's alleged death. One such example is located at the end of the song "Strawberry Fields." Are they saying "cranberry sauce" or "I buried Paul?"
You be the judge! Turn up the speakers and listen to the end of the song.
The cranberry. Secretly used as a trick to confuse people into thinking British stars are dead. And therefore, inherently evil.
THE BLACKBERRY
Again, what is with the popularity of these bumpy berries? Troubled Eater's aunt may be really onto something when she wonders if Troubled Eater has sensory issues. The texture of these berries is very upsetting to Troubled Eater. More troubling, however, is the danger of these little death berries. The next time you think about going to pick these darling little berries, think about Laura Ingalls Wilder, author of the popular "Little House on the Prairie" book series. In the book Little House on the Prairie, Laura, Mary and Ma went blackberry picking near a river. Pretty soon, the entire family contracted "fever n' ague," or malaria - all because they wanted to eat these berries!
Now, you might be thinking "Troubled Eater, the blackberries didn't give the Ingalls family malaria, the mosquitoes did!" You would have a valid point. However, if you want to hallucinate, be so weak you can't get up, and have your mother make you crawl across the floor of your log cabin to get your crying sister a dipper full of water because both of your parents are too ill to get out of bed, all because you want to pick a few berries - more power to you! Don't say that Troubled Eater didn't warn you!
THE STRAWBERRY
Ah, the strawberry. Possibly the worst berry offender in Troubled Eater's book. While it may appeal to the rest of you, Troubled Eater is extremely bothered by the smell and feel of this berry, as well as the seeds coating the outside of the berry. According to the Environmental Working Guide's Shopping Guide for Pesticides, the strawberry is one of the most dangerous fruits because of its high pesticide level. It may be the most pesticide coated berry on the market, but that is not what causes this berry to be a serious risk. The real risk to our society is that the strawberry is taking over! Everything is strawberry flavored! It's hard to find candy, lip gloss, or beauty products that are not strawberry scented. It's polluted perfectly good foods such as cheesecake and shortcake. But the worst is that we even have cartoon characters devoted to this deadly berry!
And then, of course, we have the issue of strawberries encouraging lying. Have you ever heard of a small musical called "The Sound of Music?" In this cinematic classic, the Von Trapp children try to bring their beloved nanny, Fraulein Maria, back to their home. They sneak out of the house to visit Maria. When their father questions the children about their whereabouts, the children tell him they have been berry picking.
When he asks them what kind of berries they were picking, they tell him they were picking blueberries. LIES! Captain von Trapp tells them that it's too cold for blueberries, so another von Trapp liar, sucked in by the evil influence of the strawberry, claims that they were picking strawberries. The children tell their father that the weather has been so cold that the strawberries were actually blue. Captain von Trapp tells the children they must not need dinner since they were so full. He later relents and lets them eat, but for a few sad moments, the seven von Trapp children were imagining an evening with no dinner, thanks to the evil strawberry.
Any berry that encourages dishonesty is not a berry that Troubled Eater will endorse!
THE BLUEBERRY
Blueberries are an American favorite. They are cute, small, and easy to pick. They can be used to create cakes, pies, muffins, sauces, and can even be eaten in salads. Troubled Eater finds that blueberries are tolerable in muffins, but not much else. However versatile these berries may be, they have one gigantic risk. People who enjoy blueberries run the risk of permanent disfigurement. Case in point: Violet Beauregarde. Violet was an inquisitive and demanding young lady who found a golden ticket allowing her to tour Willy Wonka's candy factory. When Violet, an avid gum chewer, insists on trying a piece of Three Course Dinner gum, she suddenly finds her body transforming. Violet turns into a giant blueberry.
Violet is taken away to the juicer by those creepy Oompa Loompas. She is never seen again. Let that be a lesson to you.
THE CRANBERRY
Cranberries are a tart berry that can be good in desserts, a juice form, or just as a sauce. They are an American requirement on the family Thanksgiving table. Troubled Eater finds these berries tolerable in muffin form, juice form, and spread thinly on a turkey sandwich. Cranberries are also medicinal and can help treat bladder infections.Wait! Don't be tricked by these seemingly acceptable berries! These berries represent DEATH!
That's right, cranberry sauce can be used as a code for death - well, if you are John Lennon or Paul McCartney, anyway. If you are unfamiliar with the Paul McCartney death hoax, a rumor went around that Paul McCartney was dead. The Beatles placed clues in their songs to try and encourage this mass hysteria for the teen heart throb's alleged death. One such example is located at the end of the song "Strawberry Fields." Are they saying "cranberry sauce" or "I buried Paul?"
You be the judge! Turn up the speakers and listen to the end of the song.
Posts
Oh, my.
ReplyDeleteThis is what happens when someone as troubled as Troubled Eater has too many days off in a row. Much too much time to reflect and ponder on things bouncing around in that feeble mind of hers! :-)
ReplyDeleteAnother sign of her disturbing thought process is the security word I was required to type to post my last comment. "MENTLE"! Even the computer recognizes the problem!! HA
ReplyDeleteHow about the schnozberries!!! mmmm good!
ReplyDelete