VICTORY!

I keep trying new foods in the hope that I will like something else. This week, I bought one little grapefruit.

I haven't eaten much of it, but so far, so good.

Next thing you know, I'm going to go raw vegan.

Ha.

Tales: Back to School Edition

Summer is almost over, and soon it will be time for children across the nation to be going back to school. Each school year is a time of new beginnings for a student. New teachers...new friends...new shoes...new supplies. But there is one thing that remains steady throughout the years.

CAFETERIA FOOD.

Notorious for it's horrifying tastes and smells. It's carefully planned by dieticians and health experts from around the country. And yet...you still get meals like spaghetti with a side of mashed potatoes. Or nachos and "fish shapes." HUH? This is healthy? All health issues aside, let's walk down memory lane and remember tried and true cafeteria food.

Troubled Eater's Cafteria Picks
Apple or cherry crisps. Swimming in butter, and made with crappy ingredients, but still a Troubled Eater favorite.
Peanut butter. It may have been industrial grade, and really cheap and crappy, but I liked it regardless. If we ate all our food, we could have a slice of bread with some peanut butter.
Hot rolls. Not as good as homemade rolls, but still very good. And the smell. Heavenly!
Mashed potatoes. No doubt powdered, and so soft they were served with an ice cream scoop, but still, I liked it. Probably because it didn't have an odd color to it, or weird random noodles.
Cinnamon rolls. It's pretty hard to screw those up.

Troubled Eater's Pans (And not those industrial sized ones they cook with!)
Chicken patty. Doesn't look like chicken to me. Could be renamed "Pasty Patty" or "Floppy Patty."
Pork Fritter. Do I need to say anything more than PORK FRITTER?
Steamed spinach in a cup. Horribly, horribly over cooked. Full of water. Full of stink. Full of fear. Does ANYONE ever eat that?
Banana pudding. Mmmm. Shimmery. Slimy. Gross.
Warm milk. Is it impossible to keep it cold? And drinking it out of that little carton wasn't my favorite, either. The little spout was always kind of furry with torn paper.
Canned fruit cocktail. Still tastes like the can, suspiciously lacking many cherries, and the cherries are barely red.
Iridescent ham. Why, oh why, does it have a Mother of Pearl sheen? And on that same tangent, what was with the weird colors in any meat they served? Green spots? Colors? Blech.
Fish on Fridays. Friendly for the Catholic community. But I don't like the smell.
Pizza. Flat. Totally square. Could be used as a replacement for a hammer.
Turkey sandwich with gravy. Whaaaaa???
Any form of vegetable served. So steamed, all nutritional value had to be lost.
Fake BBQ Rib. With the fake rib shape in the mystery meat. Supposed to look like the real deal.
Any food involving cold macaroni noodles. Enough said.
Flat, tiny squares of cake. Made with a really sugary, weird frosting. The whole thing tasted like sawdust.

Welcome to a new school year, kids. Do yourself a favor. Bring your lunch.

One Horrible Meal

I'd like to take some time to focus on not just foods that I don't like, but truly horrible recipes. I can't wait to hear what recipes you hate. But first, let's whet your appetite with a well balanced meal.

Do you ever think "Gee, what should I cook for dinner? I know what I want. Something that tastes funny, is full of sodium, and will kill me from a fat overdose?"

Well have no fear, the DUGGAR FAMILY is here! These are the people that have a bazillion kids and are willing to pimp them out for a buck or two. Who needs good nutrition when you can just keeping having babies?

Mmm. Doesn't it look so...pale and...soggy? Yum, yum.

This is just one image of a delightful main course called TATER TOT CASSEROLE. I don't know about you, but many a time I've found myself thinking "Man, I wish I could mix up some turkey meat, some cream of mushroom soup, some cream of chicken soup, and some tater tots together. What a killer combo!" (Actually, I've heard of this being served with peas mixed in, too.) So how happy am I that the Duggars have posted the recipe for me to try? Here it is:

TATER TOT CASSEROLE
2 lb ground turkey cooked, seasoned, drained
3 2lb bags tater tots
2 cans cream of mushroom
2 cans evaporated milk
2 cans cream of chicken
Brown meat & place in large cass. dish.
Cover with tater tots. Mix soup & milk together.
Pour over top. Bake at 350 for 1 Hour.
(One of Daddy’s Favorites!) Makes 2- 9”X13” pans

Oh yes...that looks positively scrumptious. Thanks, Daddy, for sharing.

But this meal is not over yet! Oh, no! My cousin would kill me for leaving out the best part. This is a dessert I just know she's dying to make. I can't quite locate a picture of this beauty, but trust me, it has it all... caffeine, sugar, fat, and high fructose corn syrup! Guaranteed to keep 18 children up all night long!

LAYERED ICE CREAM CAKE
Makes a 9”x 13” Pan
24 Ice cream sandwiches
8 oz. Cool Whip™
1 Hershey’s™ chocolate syrup bottle
1 Smuckers™ caramel syrup bottle
2 king size Butterfinger™ candy bars chopped up
1st layer -12 ice cream sandwiches
2nd – half of whipped cream
3rd - half of Butterfinger™ bars, Squeeze 1/2 of caramel &
chocolate over that.
4th - rest of ice cream sandwiches
5th – Cool Whip™
6th - rest of Butterfinger™, caramel & chocolate
You can freeze this and eat as desired! Yummy! Yummy!

Well, I don't know about you, but I'm ready to dig in! What are some recipes that you just can't stand the taste, or thought, of?

Nothing to Do with Food

The Sunburn Song @ Yahoo! Video

I'm too sunburned to complain about food right now. Or to even want to eat any, actually. Enjoy this hilarious song about being sunburned.

Your Friend,
The Lobster