As if it Wasn't Bad Enough

I never understand the appeal of "fair food." How does a Snickers bar on a stick, fried, taste better? Why do you want to eat chocolate covered bacon? Why put any food on a stick, actually? And don't even get me started on deep frying everything.

So then, someone sends me an article that sent shivers down my spine. I could feel my arteries blocking just reading about it. Apparently, there's a new food sweeping the fair circuit in Texas.

Presenting...deep fried butter.

Why? Why, dear God, why? I don't even understand. I really don't.

Then again, I was in Texas in March at a grocery store, and I noticed that they have a "Breakfast Meats" section. I've never seen that in my life. Apparently, breakfast meats are popular! Don't mess with their fatty foods (no offense, Texans! I have fodder for all kinds of states, not just Texas).

Sounds like a good breakfast to me - breakfast meats with a side of fried butter.

(Warning: This video, while hilarious, contains some strong language. About sausage. Sigh.)

From One Extreme to Another: Two Stories

Troubled Eater is kind of an anglophile. She loves anything having to do with England. OR SO SHE THOUGHT. She had read many times about a food British people eat called Marmite.



Now, Troubled Eater is infamous for being less than enthusiastic about trying new foods. But surely, her beloved England couldn't steer her wrong, could they? She opened the jar, and smelled inside. BLAH!!!!! But, surely the empire where the sun never set knew what they were talking about. So Troubled Eater took a teeny, tiny lick of it.

Instantly, her stomach turned, her insides twisted up, and she thought she was going to hurl. Do you see how it says "Yeast Extract" on the bottle? Or that it contains B vitamins? This is extremely accurate. As in, it tastes like a melted vitamin, stirred up with yeast. What, in the name of all things good and holy, do people taste in this stuff? Apparently those weird Brits eat it on toast, or sandwiches.

It was a fail of epic proportions. Troubled Eater later allowed a young child to eat a spoonful of it, because he was insistent that he could handle it. It made him vomit instantly. And he didn't even get any hair on his chest. So sad. But then, a much happier incident occurred:


Once upon a time, Troubled Eater was in a third world country with several friends. One of Troubled Eater's friends offered Troubled Eater a spoonful of this brown stuff in a green jar. This friend was from England, and disliked peanut butter (but liked Marmite!). She thought peanut butter was horrible. This scared Troubled Eater. Troubled Eater basically survives on peanut butter. Should she take the advice of someone who was obviously so wrong when it came to food?

Troubled Eater cautiously took the spoon of brown goo in her hand. The shakily held it up to her face. She sniffed it. She lightly placed it in her mouth.

Immediately, Troubled Eater knew she was in trouble. This was the greatest thing she had ever tasted. So creamy. So chocolatey. So magnificent.

Troubled Eater immediately went to the local Hiper Paiz and loaded up on these green jars from France. She began eating it spread on homemade tortillas. Or bread. Or by the spoonful. She hid a jar and a spoon in her bed so her roommates would not discover this joy in a jar, and want any.

She returned to the USA, determined to find this green jar, and could not find it. In fact, she can't remember today what it is called. However, have no fear - she found an equivalent.

May I introduce to you...NUTELLA HAZELNUT SPREAD! It's like a party in your mouth. It's smooth. It's filling. It is good on virtually anything. It can be located on your peanut butter aisle. Don't be fooled by the boring label on the outside. Inside, there's a dream waiting to be tasted. Your hips won't thank you, but your taste buds will. In fact, Nutella has a huge international following. Don't forget to celebrate World Nutella Day on February 5, 2010!

Long live Nutella!

Down with Marmite!