It Makes My Insides Jiggle

Please welcome a guest blogger...my sister!


Hello. I am Troubled Eater's sister and because I have pull with her,
I want to share with the world my distaste for Jello. I understand
that at this point some of you are thinking "Jello? Who hates Jello?"
but I ask you, what is there to really like about Jello? Are you sure
you like Jello?

First of all, the obvious, is Jello jiggles. The Jello company tries
to capitalize on this fact and has a money making campaign for Jello
jigglers. Why do you want to eat something that jiggles? Do you know
what else jiggles? Things that are alive. Like insects. Insects
jiggle, but nobody wants to eat them. I want my food solid.
Unmoving. Constant.

Secondly, the flavor is not appetizing. It doesn't taste like any cherry,
lime or lemon I have ever eaten. I'm sure you have seen them, those
cakes where people drill holes into a perfectly beautiful dessert and
ruin it with puddles of artificial flavor.

Finally, the opportunity for integrating other foods into the jello
truly bothers me. My relationship with Jello ended when I ate green
jello with carrots in it. Later that night I became sick and vomited.
I didn't enjoy the green Jello with carrots the first or second time
in my mouth. Why carrots? Why bananas? Why take solid food and
suspend it in a murky semi-solid substance rumored to be made with cow
bones?

There is so much I don't understand about Jello and those who like it.
I may not be as picky of an eater as my sister, but Jello truly is
disturbing to me and I want to encourage you to reevaluate your
relationship with Jello. It is okay to not like this "food" and you
are not alone.

Thank you for letting me give a voice to those who of us out there who
feel queasy when within a short distance of this sad excuse for a side
dish.

As if it Wasn't Bad Enough

I never understand the appeal of "fair food." How does a Snickers bar on a stick, fried, taste better? Why do you want to eat chocolate covered bacon? Why put any food on a stick, actually? And don't even get me started on deep frying everything.

So then, someone sends me an article that sent shivers down my spine. I could feel my arteries blocking just reading about it. Apparently, there's a new food sweeping the fair circuit in Texas.

Presenting...deep fried butter.

Why? Why, dear God, why? I don't even understand. I really don't.

Then again, I was in Texas in March at a grocery store, and I noticed that they have a "Breakfast Meats" section. I've never seen that in my life. Apparently, breakfast meats are popular! Don't mess with their fatty foods (no offense, Texans! I have fodder for all kinds of states, not just Texas).

Sounds like a good breakfast to me - breakfast meats with a side of fried butter.

(Warning: This video, while hilarious, contains some strong language. About sausage. Sigh.)

From One Extreme to Another: Two Stories

Troubled Eater is kind of an anglophile. She loves anything having to do with England. OR SO SHE THOUGHT. She had read many times about a food British people eat called Marmite.



Now, Troubled Eater is infamous for being less than enthusiastic about trying new foods. But surely, her beloved England couldn't steer her wrong, could they? She opened the jar, and smelled inside. BLAH!!!!! But, surely the empire where the sun never set knew what they were talking about. So Troubled Eater took a teeny, tiny lick of it.

Instantly, her stomach turned, her insides twisted up, and she thought she was going to hurl. Do you see how it says "Yeast Extract" on the bottle? Or that it contains B vitamins? This is extremely accurate. As in, it tastes like a melted vitamin, stirred up with yeast. What, in the name of all things good and holy, do people taste in this stuff? Apparently those weird Brits eat it on toast, or sandwiches.

It was a fail of epic proportions. Troubled Eater later allowed a young child to eat a spoonful of it, because he was insistent that he could handle it. It made him vomit instantly. And he didn't even get any hair on his chest. So sad. But then, a much happier incident occurred:


Once upon a time, Troubled Eater was in a third world country with several friends. One of Troubled Eater's friends offered Troubled Eater a spoonful of this brown stuff in a green jar. This friend was from England, and disliked peanut butter (but liked Marmite!). She thought peanut butter was horrible. This scared Troubled Eater. Troubled Eater basically survives on peanut butter. Should she take the advice of someone who was obviously so wrong when it came to food?

Troubled Eater cautiously took the spoon of brown goo in her hand. The shakily held it up to her face. She sniffed it. She lightly placed it in her mouth.

Immediately, Troubled Eater knew she was in trouble. This was the greatest thing she had ever tasted. So creamy. So chocolatey. So magnificent.

Troubled Eater immediately went to the local Hiper Paiz and loaded up on these green jars from France. She began eating it spread on homemade tortillas. Or bread. Or by the spoonful. She hid a jar and a spoon in her bed so her roommates would not discover this joy in a jar, and want any.

She returned to the USA, determined to find this green jar, and could not find it. In fact, she can't remember today what it is called. However, have no fear - she found an equivalent.

May I introduce to you...NUTELLA HAZELNUT SPREAD! It's like a party in your mouth. It's smooth. It's filling. It is good on virtually anything. It can be located on your peanut butter aisle. Don't be fooled by the boring label on the outside. Inside, there's a dream waiting to be tasted. Your hips won't thank you, but your taste buds will. In fact, Nutella has a huge international following. Don't forget to celebrate World Nutella Day on February 5, 2010!

Long live Nutella!

Down with Marmite!

VICTORY!

I keep trying new foods in the hope that I will like something else. This week, I bought one little grapefruit.

I haven't eaten much of it, but so far, so good.

Next thing you know, I'm going to go raw vegan.

Ha.

Tales: Back to School Edition

Summer is almost over, and soon it will be time for children across the nation to be going back to school. Each school year is a time of new beginnings for a student. New teachers...new friends...new shoes...new supplies. But there is one thing that remains steady throughout the years.

CAFETERIA FOOD.

Notorious for it's horrifying tastes and smells. It's carefully planned by dieticians and health experts from around the country. And yet...you still get meals like spaghetti with a side of mashed potatoes. Or nachos and "fish shapes." HUH? This is healthy? All health issues aside, let's walk down memory lane and remember tried and true cafeteria food.

Troubled Eater's Cafteria Picks
Apple or cherry crisps. Swimming in butter, and made with crappy ingredients, but still a Troubled Eater favorite.
Peanut butter. It may have been industrial grade, and really cheap and crappy, but I liked it regardless. If we ate all our food, we could have a slice of bread with some peanut butter.
Hot rolls. Not as good as homemade rolls, but still very good. And the smell. Heavenly!
Mashed potatoes. No doubt powdered, and so soft they were served with an ice cream scoop, but still, I liked it. Probably because it didn't have an odd color to it, or weird random noodles.
Cinnamon rolls. It's pretty hard to screw those up.

Troubled Eater's Pans (And not those industrial sized ones they cook with!)
Chicken patty. Doesn't look like chicken to me. Could be renamed "Pasty Patty" or "Floppy Patty."
Pork Fritter. Do I need to say anything more than PORK FRITTER?
Steamed spinach in a cup. Horribly, horribly over cooked. Full of water. Full of stink. Full of fear. Does ANYONE ever eat that?
Banana pudding. Mmmm. Shimmery. Slimy. Gross.
Warm milk. Is it impossible to keep it cold? And drinking it out of that little carton wasn't my favorite, either. The little spout was always kind of furry with torn paper.
Canned fruit cocktail. Still tastes like the can, suspiciously lacking many cherries, and the cherries are barely red.
Iridescent ham. Why, oh why, does it have a Mother of Pearl sheen? And on that same tangent, what was with the weird colors in any meat they served? Green spots? Colors? Blech.
Fish on Fridays. Friendly for the Catholic community. But I don't like the smell.
Pizza. Flat. Totally square. Could be used as a replacement for a hammer.
Turkey sandwich with gravy. Whaaaaa???
Any form of vegetable served. So steamed, all nutritional value had to be lost.
Fake BBQ Rib. With the fake rib shape in the mystery meat. Supposed to look like the real deal.
Any food involving cold macaroni noodles. Enough said.
Flat, tiny squares of cake. Made with a really sugary, weird frosting. The whole thing tasted like sawdust.

Welcome to a new school year, kids. Do yourself a favor. Bring your lunch.

One Horrible Meal

I'd like to take some time to focus on not just foods that I don't like, but truly horrible recipes. I can't wait to hear what recipes you hate. But first, let's whet your appetite with a well balanced meal.

Do you ever think "Gee, what should I cook for dinner? I know what I want. Something that tastes funny, is full of sodium, and will kill me from a fat overdose?"

Well have no fear, the DUGGAR FAMILY is here! These are the people that have a bazillion kids and are willing to pimp them out for a buck or two. Who needs good nutrition when you can just keeping having babies?

Mmm. Doesn't it look so...pale and...soggy? Yum, yum.

This is just one image of a delightful main course called TATER TOT CASSEROLE. I don't know about you, but many a time I've found myself thinking "Man, I wish I could mix up some turkey meat, some cream of mushroom soup, some cream of chicken soup, and some tater tots together. What a killer combo!" (Actually, I've heard of this being served with peas mixed in, too.) So how happy am I that the Duggars have posted the recipe for me to try? Here it is:

TATER TOT CASSEROLE
2 lb ground turkey cooked, seasoned, drained
3 2lb bags tater tots
2 cans cream of mushroom
2 cans evaporated milk
2 cans cream of chicken
Brown meat & place in large cass. dish.
Cover with tater tots. Mix soup & milk together.
Pour over top. Bake at 350 for 1 Hour.
(One of Daddy’s Favorites!) Makes 2- 9”X13” pans

Oh yes...that looks positively scrumptious. Thanks, Daddy, for sharing.

But this meal is not over yet! Oh, no! My cousin would kill me for leaving out the best part. This is a dessert I just know she's dying to make. I can't quite locate a picture of this beauty, but trust me, it has it all... caffeine, sugar, fat, and high fructose corn syrup! Guaranteed to keep 18 children up all night long!

LAYERED ICE CREAM CAKE
Makes a 9”x 13” Pan
24 Ice cream sandwiches
8 oz. Cool Whip™
1 Hershey’s™ chocolate syrup bottle
1 Smuckers™ caramel syrup bottle
2 king size Butterfinger™ candy bars chopped up
1st layer -12 ice cream sandwiches
2nd – half of whipped cream
3rd - half of Butterfinger™ bars, Squeeze 1/2 of caramel &
chocolate over that.
4th - rest of ice cream sandwiches
5th – Cool Whip™
6th - rest of Butterfinger™, caramel & chocolate
You can freeze this and eat as desired! Yummy! Yummy!

Well, I don't know about you, but I'm ready to dig in! What are some recipes that you just can't stand the taste, or thought, of?

Nothing to Do with Food

The Sunburn Song @ Yahoo! Video

I'm too sunburned to complain about food right now. Or to even want to eat any, actually. Enjoy this hilarious song about being sunburned.

Your Friend,
The Lobster