Tales of a Troubled Eater

The Inherent Evil of Berries

2009-11-25T18:38:00.000-08:00

Berries. They seem like such a cute, innocent food item that people love. But when you more closely examine these sweet little fruits, you'll find that berries are, in fact, nothing but trouble! Each sweet, juicy bite of these little fruits comes with the risk of ruination of perfectly delicious foods, injury, even death! If you're interested more in what berries are, or the different types of berries, you might want to visit this "berry helpful" website. Did you know that grapes and tomatoes are considered berries? They are!

It's time to get down to the real issues with berries and how they are to be avoided at all costs!

THE RASPBERRY

Troubled Eater thinks this bumpy little berry looks cute, but the bumps make it most unappetizing. Worse, Troubled Eater has eaten at restaurants many times only to order dessert, and then find the evil RASPBERRY SAUCE drizzled all over the dessert or plate! This is a travesty of the most severest degree. Tainting food flavor is most unacceptable. Please. Leave cheesecake/cake/ice cream/whatever other dessert you might be tempted to drizzle this toxic sauce on alone!

THE BLACKBERRY

Again, what is with the popularity of these bumpy berries? Troubled Eater's aunt may be really onto something when she wonders if Troubled Eater has sensory issues. The texture of these berries is very upsetting to Troubled Eater. More troubling, however, is the danger of these little death berries. The next time you think about going to pick these darling little berries, think about Laura Ingalls Wilder, author of the popular "Little House on the Prairie" book series. In the book Little House on the Prairie, Laura, Mary and Ma went blackberry picking near a river. Pretty soon, the entire family contracted "fever n' ague," or malaria - all because they wanted to eat these berries!

Now, you might be thinking "Troubled Eater, the blackberries didn't give the Ingalls family malaria, the mosquitoes did!" You would have a valid point. However, if you want to hallucinate, be so weak you can't get up, and have your mother make you crawl across the floor of your log cabin to get your crying sister a dipper full of water because both of your parents are too ill to get out of bed, all because you want to pick a few berries - more power to you! Don't say that Troubled Eater didn't warn you!

THE STRAWBERRY

Ah, the strawberry. Possibly the worst berry offender in Troubled Eater's book. While it may appeal to the rest of you, Troubled Eater is extremely bothered by the smell and feel of this berry, as well as the seeds coating the outside of the berry. According to the Environmental Working Guide's Shopping Guide for Pesticides, the strawberry is one of the most dangerous fruits because of its high pesticide level. It may be the most pesticide coated berry on the market, but that is not what causes this berry to be a serious risk. The real risk to our society is that the strawberry is taking over! Everything is strawberry flavored! It's hard to find candy, lip gloss, or beauty products that are not strawberry scented. It's polluted perfectly good foods such as cheesecake and shortcake. But the worst is that we even have cartoon characters devoted to this deadly berry!

And then, of course, we have the issue of strawberries encouraging lying. Have you ever heard of a small musical called "The Sound of Music?" In this cinematic classic, the Von Trapp children try to bring their beloved nanny, Fraulein Maria, back to their home. They sneak out of the house to visit Maria. When their father questions the children about their whereabouts, the children tell him they have been berry picking.

When he asks them what kind of berries they were picking, they tell him they were picking blueberries. LIES! Captain von Trapp tells them that it's too cold for blueberries, so another von Trapp liar, sucked in by the evil influence of the strawberry, claims that they were picking strawberries. The children tell their father that the weather has been so cold that the strawberries were actually blue. Captain von Trapp tells the children they must not need dinner since they were so full. He later relents and lets them eat, but for a few sad moments, the seven von Trapp children were imagining an evening with no dinner, thanks to the evil strawberry.

Any berry that encourages dishonesty is not a berry that Troubled Eater will endorse!

THE BLUEBERRY

Blueberries are an American favorite. They are cute, small, and easy to pick. They can be used to create cakes, pies, muffins, sauces, and can even be eaten in salads. Troubled Eater finds that blueberries are tolerable in muffins, but not much else. However versatile these berries may be, they have one gigantic risk. People who enjoy blueberries run the risk of permanent disfigurement. Case in point: Violet Beauregarde. Violet was an inquisitive and demanding young lady who found a golden ticket allowing her to tour Willy Wonka's candy factory. When Violet, an avid gum chewer, insists on trying a piece of Three Course Dinner gum, she suddenly finds her body transforming. Violet turns into a giant blueberry.

Violet is taken away to the juicer by those creepy Oompa Loompas. She is never seen again. Let that be a lesson to you.

THE CRANBERRY

Cranberries are a tart berry that can be good in desserts, a juice form, or just as a sauce. They are an American requirement on the family Thanksgiving table. Troubled Eater finds these berries tolerable in muffin form, juice form, and spread thinly on a turkey sandwich. Cranberries are also medicinal and can help treat bladder infections.

Wait! Don't be tricked by these seemingly acceptable berries! These berries represent DEATH!

That's right, cranberry sauce can be used as a code for death - well, if you are John Lennon or Paul McCartney, anyway. If you are unfamiliar with the Paul McCartney death hoax, a rumor went around that Paul McCartney was dead. The Beatles placed clues in their songs to try and encourage this mass hysteria for the teen heart throb's alleged death. One such example is located at the end of the song "Strawberry Fields." Are they saying "cranberry sauce" or "I buried Paul?"

You be the judge! Turn up the speakers and listen to the end of the song.

The cranberry. Secretly used as a trick to confuse people into thinking British stars are dead. And therefore, inherently evil.

Troubled Eater: Thanksgiving Edition

2009-11-14T18:50:00.000-08:00

Welcome to the blog that appeared to be abandoned! Due to a recent bout with the dreaded H1N1 virus, Troubled Eater was lacking the energy or desire to write. Or eat. Troubled Eater lost a LOT of weight thanks to the dreaded HAMTHRAX. However, she is back...just in time for two major food holidays!

There is a great deal to be loved about the food served at Thanksgiving. There are very few foods that Troubled Eater won't eat at Thanksgiving. Despite the bounty of delicious foods available at Thanksgiving time, Troubled Eater still can't handle the following foods:

Dark meat - Troubled Eater doesn't understand this, at all. Why does anyone want to eat a dark, fatty meat? Gross! There is not much more pleasing than a thick slice of steamy, white turkey meat. Why ruin the holiday by eating those dark bits? And don't GET her started on any giblets! GAGAGAGAGAGAGAG!

Candied yams with marshmallows - Troubled Eater cannot STAND, do you hear her, STAND sweet potatoes! They are vile. Unearthly. Blech. So the idea of a dish swimming in sweet potatoes, butter and marshmallows just about kills poor Trouble Eater.

Cranberries - It should be no shock that Troubled Eater struggles with most varieties of berries. In fact, she has a post idea dedicated to the berry family. The only thing worse than a bowl full of berries is a plate filled with slices of canned cranberry, complete with the can imprint still on the fruit product. The only satisfactory part of the canned cranberry portion of the meal is the "ssssssssssswack" noise it makes as it slides out of the can.

Gravy - Gravy simply pollutes perfectly good meat and/or potatoes. It smothers the good taste right out of food, and makes it all...squishy. Troubled Eater is a plain eater. She doesn't eat gravy, sauces, or even common condiments such as ketchup. Now, she WILL eat gravy with a good beef and yorkshire pudding, but that's about the only time she finds gravy acceptable.

For all these horrible foods, there are still plenty of GREAT foods to eat at the local Thanksgiving table. Troubled Eater's plate will still be filled with delicious treats such as turkey, mashed potatoes, stuffing, rolls, and a Thanksgiving classic...pumpkin pie. Yum.

Coming up at our next food holiday...green bean casserole, pecan pie, and egg nog!

It Makes My Insides Jiggle

2009-10-03T20:31:00.000-07:00

Please welcome a guest blogger...my sister!

Hello. I am Troubled Eater's sister and because I have pull with her,
I want to share with the world my distaste for Jello. I understand
that at this point some of you are thinking "Jello? Who hates Jello?"
but I ask you, what is there to really like about Jello? Are you sure
you like Jello?

First of all, the obvious, is Jello jiggles. The Jello company tries
to capitalize on this fact and has a money making campaign for Jello
jigglers. Why do you want to eat something that jiggles? Do you know
what else jiggles? Things that are alive. Like insects. Insects
jiggle, but nobody wants to eat them. I want my food solid.
Unmoving. Constant.

Secondly, the flavor is not appetizing. It doesn't taste like any cherry,
lime or lemon I have ever eaten. I'm sure you have seen them, those
cakes where people drill holes into a perfectly beautiful dessert and
ruin it with puddles of artificial flavor.

Finally, the opportunity for integrating other foods into the jello
truly bothers me. My relationship with Jello ended when I ate green
jello with carrots in it. Later that night I became sick and vomited.
I didn't enjoy the green Jello with carrots the first or second time
in my mouth. Why carrots? Why bananas? Why take solid food and
suspend it in a murky semi-solid substance rumored to be made with cow
bones?

There is so much I don't understand about Jello and those who like it.
I may not be as picky of an eater as my sister, but Jello truly is
disturbing to me and I want to encourage you to reevaluate your
relationship with Jello. It is okay to not like this "food" and you
are not alone.

Thank you for letting me give a voice to those who of us out there who
feel queasy when within a short distance of this sad excuse for a side
dish.

As if it Wasn't Bad Enough

2009-09-17T19:40:00.000-07:00

I never understand the appeal of "fair food." How does a Snickers bar on a stick, fried, taste better? Why do you want to eat chocolate covered bacon? Why put any food on a stick, actually? And don't even get me started on deep frying everything.

So then, someone sends me an article that sent shivers down my spine. I could feel my arteries blocking just reading about it. Apparently, there's a new food sweeping the fair circuit in Texas.

Presenting...deep fried butter.

Why? Why, dear God, why? I don't even understand. I really don't.

Then again, I was in Texas in March at a grocery store, and I noticed that they have a "Breakfast Meats" section. I've never seen that in my life. Apparently, breakfast meats are popular! Don't mess with their fatty foods (no offense, Texans! I have fodder for all kinds of states, not just Texas).

Sounds like a good breakfast to me - breakfast meats with a side of fried butter.

(Warning: This video, while hilarious, contains some strong language. About sausage. Sigh.)

From One Extreme to Another: Two Stories

2009-09-05T13:55:00.000-07:00

Troubled Eater is kind of an anglophile. She loves anything having to do with England. OR SO SHE THOUGHT. She had read many times about a food British people eat called Marmite.

Now, Troubled Eater is infamous for being less than enthusiastic about trying new foods. But surely, her beloved England couldn't steer her wrong, could they? She opened the jar, and smelled inside. BLAH!!!!! But, surely the empire where the sun never set knew what they were talking about. So Troubled Eater took a teeny, tiny lick of it.

Instantly, her stomach turned, her insides twisted up, and she thought she was going to hurl. Do you see how it says "Yeast Extract" on the bottle? Or that it contains B vitamins? This is extremely accurate. As in, it tastes like a melted vitamin, stirred up with yeast. What, in the name of all things good and holy, do people taste in this stuff? Apparently those weird Brits eat it on toast, or sandwiches.

It was a fail of epic proportions. Troubled Eater later allowed a young child to eat a spoonful of it, because he was insistent that he could handle it. It made him vomit instantly. And he didn't even get any hair on his chest. So sad. But then, a much happier incident occurred:

Once upon a time, Troubled Eater was in a third world country with several friends. One of Troubled Eater's friends offered Troubled Eater a spoonful of this brown stuff in a green jar. This friend was from England, and disliked peanut butter (but liked Marmite!). She thought peanut butter was horrible. This scared Troubled Eater. Troubled Eater basically survives on peanut butter. Should she take the advice of someone who was obviously so wrong when it came to food?

Troubled Eater cautiously took the spoon of brown goo in her hand. The shakily held it up to her face. She sniffed it. She lightly placed it in her mouth.

Immediately, Troubled Eater knew she was in trouble. This was the greatest thing she had ever tasted. So creamy. So chocolatey. So magnificent.

Troubled Eater immediately went to the local Hiper Paiz and loaded up on these green jars from France. She began eating it spread on homemade tortillas. Or bread. Or by the spoonful. She hid a jar and a spoon in her bed so her roommates would not discover this joy in a jar, and want any.

She returned to the USA, determined to find this green jar, and could not find it. In fact, she can't remember today what it is called. However, have no fear - she found an equivalent.

May I introduce to you...NUTELLA HAZELNUT SPREAD! It's like a party in your mouth. It's smooth. It's filling. It is good on virtually anything. It can be located on your peanut butter aisle. Don't be fooled by the boring label on the outside. Inside, there's a dream waiting to be tasted. Your hips won't thank you, but your taste buds will. In fact, Nutella has a huge international following. Don't forget to celebrate World Nutella Day on February 5, 2010!

Long live Nutella!

Down with Marmite!

VICTORY!

2009-08-19T18:33:00.000-07:00

I keep trying new foods in the hope that I will like something else. This week, I bought one little grapefruit.

I haven't eaten much of it, but so far, so good.

Next thing you know, I'm going to go raw vegan.

Ha.

Tales: Back to School Edition

2009-08-12T18:01:00.000-07:00

Summer is almost over, and soon it will be time for children across the nation to be going back to school. Each school year is a time of new beginnings for a student. New teachers...new friends...new shoes...new supplies. But there is one thing that remains steady throughout the years.

CAFETERIA FOOD.

Notorious for it's horrifying tastes and smells. It's carefully planned by dieticians and health experts from around the country. And yet...you still get meals like spaghetti with a side of mashed potatoes. Or nachos and "fish shapes." HUH? This is healthy? All health issues aside, let's walk down memory lane and remember tried and true cafeteria food.

Troubled Eater's Cafteria Picks
Apple or cherry crisps. Swimming in butter, and made with crappy ingredients, but still a Troubled Eater favorite.
Peanut butter. It may have been industrial grade, and really cheap and crappy, but I liked it regardless. If we ate all our food, we could have a slice of bread with some peanut butter.
Hot rolls. Not as good as homemade rolls, but still very good. And the smell. Heavenly!
Mashed potatoes. No doubt powdered, and so soft they were served with an ice cream scoop, but still, I liked it. Probably because it didn't have an odd color to it, or weird random noodles.
Cinnamon rolls. It's pretty hard to screw those up.

Troubled Eater's Pans (And not those industrial sized ones they cook with!)
Chicken patty. Doesn't look like chicken to me. Could be renamed "Pasty Patty" or "Floppy Patty."
Pork Fritter. Do I need to say anything more than PORK FRITTER?
Steamed spinach in a cup. Horribly, horribly over cooked. Full of water. Full of stink. Full of fear. Does ANYONE ever eat that?
Banana pudding. Mmmm. Shimmery. Slimy. Gross.
Warm milk. Is it impossible to keep it cold? And drinking it out of that little carton wasn't my favorite, either. The little spout was always kind of furry with torn paper.
Canned fruit cocktail. Still tastes like the can, suspiciously lacking many cherries, and the cherries are barely red.
Iridescent ham. Why, oh why, does it have a Mother of Pearl sheen? And on that same tangent, what was with the weird colors in any meat they served? Green spots? Colors? Blech.
Fish on Fridays. Friendly for the Catholic community. But I don't like the smell.
Pizza. Flat. Totally square. Could be used as a replacement for a hammer.
Turkey sandwich with gravy. Whaaaaa???
Any form of vegetable served. So steamed, all nutritional value had to be lost.
Fake BBQ Rib. With the fake rib shape in the mystery meat. Supposed to look like the real deal.
Any food involving cold macaroni noodles. Enough said.
Flat, tiny squares of cake. Made with a really sugary, weird frosting. The whole thing tasted like sawdust.

Welcome to a new school year, kids. Do yourself a favor. Bring your lunch.

One Horrible Meal

2009-08-06T20:59:00.000-07:00

I'd like to take some time to focus on not just foods that I don't like, but truly horrible recipes. I can't wait to hear what recipes you hate. But first, let's whet your appetite with a well balanced meal.

Do you ever think "Gee, what should I cook for dinner? I know what I want. Something that tastes funny, is full of sodium, and will kill me from a fat overdose?"

Well have no fear, the DUGGAR FAMILY is here! These are the people that have a bazillion kids and are willing to pimp them out for a buck or two. Who needs good nutrition when you can just keeping having babies?

Mmm. Doesn't it look so...pale and...soggy? Yum, yum.

This is just one image of a delightful main course called TATER TOT CASSEROLE. I don't know about you, but many a time I've found myself thinking "Man, I wish I could mix up some turkey meat, some cream of mushroom soup, some cream of chicken soup, and some tater tots together. What a killer combo!" (Actually, I've heard of this being served with peas mixed in, too.) So how happy am I that the Duggars have posted the recipe for me to try? Here it is:

TATER TOT CASSEROLE
2 lb ground turkey cooked, seasoned, drained
3 2lb bags tater tots
2 cans cream of mushroom
2 cans evaporated milk
2 cans cream of chicken
Brown meat & place in large cass. dish.
Cover with tater tots. Mix soup & milk together.
Pour over top. Bake at 350 for 1 Hour.
(One of Daddy’s Favorites!) Makes 2- 9”X13” pans

Oh yes...that looks positively scrumptious. Thanks, Daddy, for sharing.

But this meal is not over yet! Oh, no! My cousin would kill me for leaving out the best part. This is a dessert I just know she's dying to make. I can't quite locate a picture of this beauty, but trust me, it has it all... caffeine, sugar, fat, and high fructose corn syrup! Guaranteed to keep 18 children up all night long!

LAYERED ICE CREAM CAKE
Makes a 9”x 13” Pan
24 Ice cream sandwiches
8 oz. Cool Whip™
1 Hershey’s™ chocolate syrup bottle
1 Smuckers™ caramel syrup bottle
2 king size Butterfinger™ candy bars chopped up
1st layer -12 ice cream sandwiches
2nd – half of whipped cream
3rd - half of Butterfinger™ bars, Squeeze 1/2 of caramel &
chocolate over that.
4th - rest of ice cream sandwiches
5th – Cool Whip™
6th - rest of Butterfinger™, caramel & chocolate
You can freeze this and eat as desired! Yummy! Yummy!

Well, I don't know about you, but I'm ready to dig in! What are some recipes that you just can't stand the taste, or thought, of?

Nothing to Do with Food

2009-08-02T15:55:00.000-07:00

The Sunburn Song @ Yahoo! Video

I'm too sunburned to complain about food right now. Or to even want to eat any, actually. Enjoy this hilarious song about being sunburned.

Your Friend,
The Lobster

Oink Oink

2009-07-29T11:19:00.000-07:00

Do you ever wake up in the morning and think, "Gee, I wish I could have some crispy PIG FAT for breakfast!"

If so, you are in good company. Bacon is an American staple. Eat it plain, eat it with eggs, put it on a sandwich, sprinkle it on a salad...everyone loves bacon!

Except me. I have a very strong disdain for all things bacon.

It's just so...greasy. And nasty. And it smells very powerfully. I can't stand how you can smell bacon on people's clothing. It's just disgusting!

But you know, who cares about cholesterol? Sodium? Cruelty to pigs? I'm just kidding, I do eat meat. But why worry about these things when you can pile more bacon onto your food?

And just when I thought it couldn't get any worse, I found a BLT cocktail recipe at Bacon Unwrapped.

Is there nothing sacred in this world? I mean, really. Blech.

No avoiding smellin' that melon!

2009-07-22T14:14:00.000-07:00

I'm about to break hearts all over the place. I don't like melons. Honestly, I can't even say that I don't like the taste, because I don't even remember the last time I ate any type of melon. My problem with melons is that they smell so vile that I can't be near them. Ask my mom. I'll say "Keep that plate on the other side of the table." They are so fragrant it almost kills me.

The worst part is, apparently melon is a pleasurable smell to the rest of the world. How many cucumber melon candles and body sprays can exist on one planet? A LOT, I am here to tell you. So everywhere I go, I have to talk myself out of spewing on the spot. The smell...oh the smell.

Barf.

Doing research about melons, I found out that they all fall under the "muskmelon" category. My grandma calls them muskmelons. I thought she was crazy. Apparently, she is not. But throwing the word "musk" in front of "melon" for a person who already finds the melon smell positively horrific does not help me. At all!

So please. Keep that plate away from me.

Troubled Eater Gets Adventurous

2009-07-19T19:32:00.000-07:00

I recently was given a container of dark chocolate covered Edamame from Trader Joe's. I was skeptical. I love Edamame, and I love dark chocolate, but chocolate covered vegetables?! I don't think so!

For those who haven't tried it, Edamame is simply baby soybeans. You can buy them in the pod, and pop them in your mouth, or you can buy them already shelled. You eat them with a little bit of salt, and they are delicious! Edamame is a very healthy snack. The protein in Edamame is high in omega-3 fatty acids, which can help with depression. This tiny bean also has been shown to help regulate insulin levels in diabetics, and is good for women going through menopause.

But chocolate covered? Um...

I do love dark chocolate. I'm all about reminding myself of the health benefits of dark chocolate, but dipping vegetables in them? I recently saw chocolate covered bacon, and a zucchini weenie at a fair. What is the obsession with gross food combinations?

And then...I tried them. The skies parted, golden light poured down on me, and angels sang. They were actually good! Very, very good! They are salty, sweet, crunchy, and addicting. Protein and anti-oxidants? The killer combo! Well, killer might not be a good adjective. The winning combo.

Now, if only I could convince Trader Joe's to open a store closer to my home. Shouldn't there be one in every town in America? Come on, Trader Joe's!

So, what's the weirdest or grossest thing you've ever tried?

You Thought I was Too Sweet to Complain!

2009-07-15T13:56:00.000-07:00

Too much candy from Capucha on Vimeo.

I am a candy lover, but even I, the Troubled Eater, can find some candies that I dislike. I am a huge lime lover, and love anything lime flavored. One of the worst years of my life was when they changed the SweeTarts Chicks, Ducks and Bunnies (the best candy in the world) and made the green colored candies Green Apple flavored instead of Lime. Now, they don't even include greens and I basically only eat the purples. But I still buy them, hopefully, every Easter. In fact, I'm noticing that most, if not all green colored candy (except Skittles) is green apple flavored. I just don't get it.

Here are a few of the candies I just don't understand. Perhaps you can enlighten me as to why people buy these candies:

1) Those generic candies wrapped in a wrapper that looks like a strawberry. These are frequently with those horrible generic butterscotch candies, too. These remind me of old people, because only old people with dying tastebuds can like these. These also remind me of growing up in church, because there is nothing that old people like more than to dig around in their purse for these babies, and then make a TON of noise with the wrapper.

2) Laffy Taffy. Also known as "fruit flavored sticky tac." Are you kidding me? Even more obnoxious, the BANANA flavored Laffy Taffy. I think I just threw up in my mouth a little bit.

3) Wax candy. You know the ones I mean. The ones in the shape of a soda bottle with sugary syrup inside. Raise your hand if you ever want to gnaw on some wax. I didn't think so.

4) Candy Corn. Speaking of wax, you might as well just eat your ear wax on these. I try them, every year, thinking I'm missing out on something really big. I'm not. Seems I'm not alone. Check this out.

5) Smarties. I used to like these as a kid. I'm not really sure why. They aren't good! I used to pretend they were aspirin when I was a tyke.

6) Candy hearts. Just typing that makes me want to spew. I can't even stand the smell of these. Just go eat some chalk dust, why don't you! Now, I will say that I love the SweeTarts hearts! Mmm!

7) That weird spicy/limey/salty candy they eat in Mexico and Central America. I still eat it because it's intriguing, but it's weird and it kind of makes you want to vomit.

8) Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Beans. These are cute. They are creative. And not all of them are horrible. But I want to know who had to do the taste testing for the "vomit" flavored bean. Or "ear wax." Or "booger." Shudder.

9) Gummi bears. Cute idea, not tasty. Well, maybe if they wouldn't taint the entire package by throwing in red gummi bears, things would be better. I really think those reds permeate the entire package, ruining them.

10) The cheap chocolate "gold" coins. The candy tastes cheap, and they always are dried out and old. Yuck. If you're going to eat chocolate, go all the way. Don't eat cheap chocolate!

I do want to give a shout out to Lindt for the Cherry and Chili Dark Chocolate bar I ate recently. Sounds gross, but it was actually very good!

Just Try Buttering Me Up

2009-07-13T18:23:00.000-07:00

I'm realizing that this blog is really capturing my "inner crank" and makes me sound really whiney! Just know, I blog in jest (even though I really am a pretty picky eater). Feel free to leave any comments in favor or against foods. Tell me your stories! All foodies are welcome here!

My next food, well, don't throw things at me when I say it. I hate butter. I do. I really, really don't like it. The funny part about it is, peanut butter is one of my all-time favorite foods. Go figure! I never spread butter on my food. I don't like to cook with it, and can taste butter in foods when I'm eating them. It's not that it just tastes bad to me, it makes me feel a little sick. And really, it's a good thing that I don't like it! Foods such as almond butter and apple butter are a gray area for me.

I've made butter the old fashioned way before. Have YOU? If you haven't, you might not eat it, either, if you knew about it! Here are some directions on making butter. The highlights of this process include, for me:

Letting the raw cream sit for several hours!
Cream being sour from sitting in a cellar for a week in temps 60 degrees or higher!
How it gets all lumpy and weird as you churn it!
Rancid buttermilk running out of butter if you don't rinse it properly!

Mmmmmm! Don't you want some butter now? I'm sorry. I have seen it made, I have made it, and it really grosses me out. And I have issues with warm dairy products. Butter in the fridge is hard to spread, and butter on the counter top makes me want to vomit! Why do you want to eat something that isn't spreadable, tastes weird, is the result of souring, requires the use of a weird little knife, and will give you a heart attack? Oh, but I forgot how versatile it is! You can use it to create works of art, such as this sculpture of John McCain and Barack Obama.

Somehow, I get the feeling that neither of these men can stand the heat. They better get out of the kitchen.

I'm in a Real Pickle

2009-07-12T19:12:00.000-07:00

You know how those darn tomatoes are always sneaking into sandwiches? There's another food that is excellent at hiding and can ruin an entire meal. THE PICKLE. Small, cute, totally not suspicious looking. And yet, a stowaway. So easily hidden under some lettuce or a burger patty.

Pickles. BLECH. How can anyone stand them? My guess is that I don't like them because they are cucumbers soaked in vinegar, but I also love to eat salt and vinegar chips, or vinegar with my fish. The sooner you figure out that I'm a food hypocrite, the better. And I'm not a baby, so get that idea out of your head.

A few years ago, I was invited to eat dinner with a family. One of the children had told her mother over and over how much I love tomatoes, and that we must have tomatoes at the dinner. She said that knowing that I have a TRUE HATE for tomatoes. So her mother was like "I made sure and put in the freshest tomatoes I could find." The kid of course started cracking up and says "HA HA, Troubled Eater! I tricked you! Ha ha Mom, Troubled Eater hates tomatoes." I thought about eating one anyway to be polite, but I just couldn't do it. It just wasn't going to happen. They also had potato salad, which makes me gag. It was full of eggs, which makes it worse. I managed to keep it down.

Then, during the dinner, the mother asks me "Why don't you want any pickles?" They were canned pickles that she did at home. I hate pickles almost as much as I hate tomatoes. Seriously. I am completely repulsed by them. I smiled sweetly and said that I just didn't feel like any at the time, so that was why I hadn't taken any. She then proceeded to tell me her recipe. I knew at that point that I would have to eat one. I began fervently praying, "God, you are going to have to get me through this. I can't do this. Help me not to gag."

I cut up one into pieces, popped a small piece in my mouth, and at that moment, one of the siblings yelled and distracted everyone. That gave me time to gag, choke down some water, and then attempt a smile. The mom never suspected a thing. Dear readers, they were the nastiest things I've ever eaten. I hate pickles! I managed to eat one slice, but it swam around in my stomach for the rest of the night.

The Number One Offender

2009-07-12T09:20:00.000-07:00

Let's just jump into the deep end of Troubled Eater's pool of neuroses.

Ah, the tomato. One of the most popular fruits/vegetables in the world. A popular garden choice for people growing their own produce. The fruit/vegetable of choice for sandwiches. One of the main characters in the "Fruit of the Loom" underwear commercials. Even the subject of wild fruit/vegetable throwing festivals such as La Tomatina in Spain. It comes in all shapes, sizes, and colors. You can find it in ketchup and salsa. It's a beloved fruit/vegetable.

And yet. It's the bane of my existence.

The tomato makes me want to hurl on the spot. There isn't one thing I don't find offensive about the tomato. The smell is noxious. I can't stand the feel of it. It's squishy, slimy, and juicy. It's just wrong on all levels. I try to remember to order sandwiches without it, but since I'm the Tomato Freak, people always forget to leave off the tomato. This means I have to carefully inspect the bun to find any rogue juices that may have absorbed into the bun. And a salad? It takes me ten years to eat one, because I have to carefully pick through each piece of the salad to find all the tomatoes. I wish I was allergic to them so people would take me more seriously about tomatoes!

Thankfully, I have found that I am not alone in my tomato discrimination. Check out Tomatoes are Evil. I'm so happy to know I'm not alone.

I'll leave you with a taste of La Tomatina. Does this look fun to you?

This is my own private hell.

Don't Judge, Have Pity

2009-07-11T21:07:00.000-07:00

It's not my mother's fault that I'm such a picky eater. My mother provided me with an abundance of food choices. She cooked delicious, healthy meals. I was surrounded by fresh fruits and vegetables. Despite her best efforts, I still somehow survived basically on peanut butter. A close relative thinks I might have some sort of sensory processing disorder. Maybe some sort of olfactory dysfunction that makes many foods unappealing to me. Whatever it is, it sucks! "Psychology Today" has an interesting article about adult picky eaters.

You know, I hear people complain about picky eaters. They claim that picky eaters are being rude. They argue that picky eaters make social events difficult. Well, what about considering what life is like for a picky eater? I want to be a better eater. I really do! I get bored eating the same things over and over. I wander around the grocery store looking for inspiration. I buy foods to try, and waste my money on them when I don't like them! Do you think I like going to dinners at other people's houses, or to parties, when they are going to serve food that I just can't choke down?

I guess until my insurance will cover some sort of food therapy, this is just my burden to bear. I don't know how food therapy would work, anyway. I can just picture it now. Me, laying on a couch with my hand on my forehead. "Doctor, the smell...so nauseating. In my dreams I can feel that hairy peel crawling up my fingers!"

So, please. Have pity on your fellow picky eaters. It's not easy being in this smelly food loving world for us, either!

The Beginning

2009-07-11T20:01:00.000-07:00

I love to eat. It's unfortunate that I happen to be one of the pickiest eaters in the world. There are many foods that I just cannot bear. It's hard living in a world surrounded by foods you just can't stand! This blog is going to be about the foods I don't like, and how I get around eating them. I'm here to prove that woman can live by bread alone.